Francesca Dattilo, MSW
Certified Law of Attraction Coach
Certified Style Coach (MIASC Accred.)

Call me:  613.204.0781


WHY FORGIVE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO

  • By Francesca Dattilo
  • 23 Feb, 2017

I often work with clients who want to be in a loving relationship.   They are often in a relationship that is not serving them so they wonder if they should leave or they know they should leave but don’t know how to get out.   Or, they are single and are losing hope, wondering if they will ever meet the “one”.


Many of these clients have been wounded in the past and are carrying around heartache and resentments.   I don't know anyone who has gone unscathed, whether it be from a difficult childhood, rejection from peers, or a toxic relationship.   Although, it makes perfect sense to feel hurt or angry given the circumstances, this emotional baggage is preventing them from meeting their soul mate and having a fulfilling relationship.    

I have had my share of wounds.   I grew up with a mother who had a severe and persistent mental health issue and attempted suicide numerous times.   I did my first suicide intervention when I was 5 years old.   She spent most of my childhood in mental health institutions.   Talk about abandonment issues!  


I also experienced mental, emotional and at times physical abuse from my brothers.   My father allowed this to happen and failed to protect me.   Of course, this led me down the path to attracting some very unhealthy life partners; more wounding.


I was able to let go of my anger towards my mother in my early 20s.   It became clear to me that she had done the best she could with what she had to contend with in her life.   In my late 20s, I began to forgive my father and my brothers.   This process took several years.   My family is not the family I dreamed of, but I have come to accept ‘what is” and have learned to appreciate them for who they are.   And I have since then, let go of any resentments I carried towards my ex-partners and have met my soul love.  

When I am helping clients create soul love, more often than not these wounds have not healed.   And, often they have not forgiven their trespassers.   Some people are concerned that forgiveness means condoning or approving of the behaviour.   Others believe that if they forgive then somehow it makes the “wrong doing” disappear.   Or, that their pain was not valid.  


At times, it is a payoff because they feel they are punishing the “wrong doer” because if they refuse to be happy, they can prove that their childhood was really bad and that way they can punish their mom and/or dad to prove that they were not loved good enough.   They don’t want to give their parents the satisfaction of thinking that they didn’t do so bad as parents after all and so they will continue to fail until their parents save them, make their lives work and apologize.

I think forgiveness can often start with validating what makes sense about the other person's behaviour. Once again, that does not mean you approve of the behaviour or are condoning it. It just means trying to find a way to get into the other person's shoes to understand their line of thinking, feeling and behaving.   When we can find the kernel of truth in another person’s thinking, feeling and behaving we are validating the experience.   When we can describe how the other person’s behavior affected us using non-judgmental language we can neutralize the emotions and come to a place of acceptance.   Acceptance moves us closer to compassion and ultimately, forgiveness.  If you are unable to forgive, at least accept.  It will turn your suffering to more bearable pain.

Forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the ties of the other person's behaviour.   It is about setting yourself free and creating an opening for the Universe to give to you more of what you want.

If you would like to learn more about releasing past wounds to open yourself up to love, I invite you to come to my workshop “Let Go of the Struggle: How to Attract Soul Love and Maintain It”, on March 12th, from 1:00 - 3:00 pm at the Ottawa Spiritual Pathways Centre, 430 Churchill Avenue N., Ottawa, ON.  Please contact me if you are interested:

http://www.francescadattilo.ca/contact

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